1. Never snap your fingers at another human. Do you really think the service is going to improve by treating me like your dog? I also have now realized that since you were raised with wolves, you're going to be a shitty tipper. No need for me to go out of my way then anyhow.
2. If your server tells you that a pizza takes 20-25 minutes to prepare, please believe them. Don't frantically wave at them and ask when your food will be out. There's. Nothing. We. Can. Do. Even if you are going to the opera, or your kids recital- I cannot magick your pizza out of thin air. Sorry.
3. Please don't come in during Happy Hour on a Friday and expect me to be able to make you five different blended drinks in less than a few minutes. Chances are, it just won't happen. If you want a smoothie, Jamba Juice is across the street. If all five of you want a margarita in a different flavor, prepare to wait. And please tip well, otherwise I will give you a look of disdain.
4. Bartenders/Servers are not magical. If you want water, or a straw, or another drink- I have to actually go and get it. It doesn't just appear out of thin air.
5. If you order drinks and then don't tip your server *at least* ten percent. YOU ARE COSTING THEM MONEY you selfish jerk. Servers have to tip out the bartender ten percent. Keep this in mind.
6. How to get a drink at a busy bar *first*: Be a regular. Wait patiently. Tip well. I see you drumming your credit card impatiently on the counter. You're last. Waving your empty glass at me is not the way to get my attention. It's rude. Bartenders take care of good customers that take care of them. Bottom line.
7. If the kitchen makes a mistake, or you hate your food- it is not my fault. Berating me will not fix the problem, it's a waste of time. And nice people are the first ones I'm going to try to get food comped for. Rude people can talk to the manager.
8. Don't talk down to your server. Chances are they're better educated than you are, and just because they forgot your ranch dressing doesn't make them a moron.
9. If something is free- like bread or chips, and you consume more than 2 baskets- factor that into your decision making process when tipping. Me getting 6 baskets of bread and butter for a two top is a MAJOR inconvenience.
10. If you're in a hurry, have a coupon, or special crazy dietary needs please tell me. While I may secretly loathe you, I don't read minds and I can't help you if I don't know.
11. It really isn't that hard to be polite. Please try. You'll get better service that way too.